The Fickle Gods of Fantasy Football Have I ever mentioned that I hate Dallas Clark? Alright, “hate” is a bit strong, but the Colts’ tight end has definitely become a thorn in my side this year. Or, more specifically, he has become a thorn in the side of my Fantasy League team, The Lynch Mob. I’ve been there or thereabouts all year in the Bucs UK Salary Cap Fantasy League and have been battling it out down the stretch with Steve Garget (The Darlo Bucs) and Steve Ford (Blunsdon Bandits), in particular. The three of us have benefited from having Tom Brady and Randy Moss in our teams for much of the year, but the Bandits looked to have paid the price for dropping those two during the Pats’ bye week, while myself and Steve Garget gambled by retaining the two inactive players. As the respective Salary Cap values of Brady and Moss soared in keeping with their performances, The Bandits had to look to other alternatives and Steve Ford’s post on the Bucs UK Discussion Forum gave an indication that he suspected that there were outside forces at work: “In an attempt to catch up with the Brady Bunch, I have gone for Anderson and Edwards of the Browns only to switch on the TV to see they are competing for the 'Snow Bowl'”. It’s at times like these, Steve, that you realize that the Fickle Gods of Fantasy Football (FGOFF) are a mischievous, malevolent lot, who delight in unpicking your plans, before sitting back to snigger at your misfortune. And that brings me back to Dallas Clark, he of my nearest rivals, The Darlo Bucs. Clark is the Darth Vader to my Obi-Wan Kenobe (Jason Witten) and is one of those annoying fantasy players who might do bugger all during a game and then, suddenly, the Colts get into the Red Zone and Peyton fires one into the hands of the big lump for a touchdown. And five minutes later it happens again – only a few receiving yards, but two bloody touchdowns! They’ve been doing it all year and the FGOFF have ‘flipped the bird’ at me every single time. A few weeks ago, the Colts played Jacksonville in a game televised on Sky (it’s masochistic, but it’s much more interesting when you’ve got fantasy players involved in a game which is otherwise pretty meaningless to you). I was struggling to find an affordable third receiver and, in what I hoped would turn out to be a stroke of genius, I put in Colts’ back-up WR Anthony Gonzalez, with Marvin Harrison still out of action. The plan looked to be working beautifully when Manning lobbed a perfect ball to Gonzalez for a touchdown. While the rest of my ‘virtual’ team performed high-fives in celebration on The Lynch Mob’s ‘virtual’ sideline, the Fickle Gods huddled together and hatched a dastardly plan – a yellow flag gets thrown and the touchdown is chalked-off for pass interference by the receiver. And, of course, I know exactly what’s coming next, it’s just too predictable: the Colts are moved back after the penalty, but Peyton still manages to find someone in the endzone – and, naturally, it’s Dallas Bastard Clark (I believe that’s his full name). A double whammy! Not content with just denying a touchdown for my player, the Gods insist on mocking me by giving it to the Darlo Bucs instead and Steve Garget is, figuratively speaking at least, moon-walking around his living room. Anthony Gonzalez pretty much tanks for the rest of the game. Needless to say, I drop him the following week and he then proceeds to amass over a hundred receiving yards and pulls-in two touchdowns, scoring a bucket-load of fantasy points in the process. Ha-bleeding-ha, very clever FGOFF! At least I didn’t have Brian Westbrook, when he decided to sit down on the Dallas one-yard line and run-down the clock, rather than go in for a certain touchdown. In Week 15, the Gods relent and decide to throw me a bone. Having chosen the Bucs as my defense, against the inept Falcons, I’m rewarded with not one, but two defensive touchdowns courtesy of Barber and Spurlock. When I casually mention my good fortune on the in-game thread, the manager of the Darlo Bucs immediately offers his congratulations: “Bastard”, he writes (this is code in our league, for “well done, my friend, what a splendid selection”). I finish the week with a lead of thirty-odd points, thanks mainly to the efforts of the Tampa ‘D’, and I’ve got my nose in front for just about the first time this year. Week 16 - At least I’m safe in the knowledge that Tony Dungy will sit his starters pretty quickly, with nothing for the Colts to play for. Dallas Clark can’t hurt me this week. “Ah, didn’t you get the memo?” say the Fickle Gods of Fantasy Football. “Peyton’s going to play just long enough to throw for over three hundred yards and Mr.Clark is scheduled for another two touchdowns. Sorry for any inconvenience”. Just for good measure, Braylon Edwards also has two touchdown receptions for the Darlo Bucs and my lead is whittled away again. My one remaining player of the week is LaDainian Tomlinson, who plays against Denver in the Monday Night game and, as I reflect on Christmas Eve, I hope for peace on Earth, goodwill to all men and a monster game from LT. 25 December: The prezzies have been opened, I’ve consumed copious amounts of turkey and I’m fighting-off an afternoon nap, so I decide to check on the outcome of the Chargers’ game and Tomlinson has found the endzone once and racked-up a hundred yards, before being sat by Norv. This gives me a narrow lead going into the final week, but the Fickle Gods will, no doubt, have something up their sleeves. Week 17 - With a number of teams possibly resting their starters, it’s a challenge to pick a strong line-up for the final week. Clearly the Darlo Bucs have the same dilemma, as Steve Garget posts on the Bucs UK website: ”Put a few Panthers in my Yahoo fantasy team tonight as I thought they would be fired up and guaranteed to play a full game. At the moment wish I hadn't bothered”. And that, quite simply, is where it was won and lost – nothing angers the Gods (and Lee Bromfield) more than someone who loads-up with players from the Panthers when they’re up against the Buccaneers. Such sacrilege will not be tolerated and The Darlo Bucs are finally vanquished, leaving The Lynch Mob to high-step to the title and enjoy the presentation ceremony hosted by Nick Halling. I must offer-up a sacrifice to the Fickle Gods of Fantasy Football, to ensure continued good fortune – I think a certain Colts’ tight end should satisfy them.