Buccaneers First Team to Lose to Bye Week
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers became the first team in NFL history to lose to the Bye Week before three dozen joggers and two dozen inebriated vagrants at Raymond James Stadium. The final score was 6-0, although it was much closer than the final score would indicate.

The Bucs came very close to winning on an 18-yard Rian Lindell field goal. Lindell’s attempt was good, shocking everyone in the stadium, including Lindell himself. Unfortunately, the Bucs were called for a personal foul by linebacker Lavonte David. David, for some reason sitting on the Bye team bench, tackled their quarterback near the Gatorade bucket. That moved Lindell’s attempt back 15 more yards.

Lindell drilled the next attempt through as well, proving the adage that even blind chickens get feed. However, the Bucs were called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty due to head coach Greg Schiano being on the field of play. Schiano was evidently walking along the side of the field making sure all of his players toes were on the line.

Moved back another 15 yards, the Bucs tried once more, and again Lindell nailed yet another field goal. This time however, the Bucs were called for having too many men on the field. Recently released quarterback Josh Freeman accidentally entered the field of play while carrying some personal belongings to the parking lot in a cardboard box.

Now out of range, the Bucs elected to punt to force overtime despite it being third down. Practice squad receiver Skye Dawson came in to punt because regular punter Michael Koenen’s leg was fatigued following 23 punts over the course of the game. The snap went well over Skye’s head and rolled to the Tampa Bay 15-yard line where it was recovered by lineman Jeremy Zuttah. It was yet another example of a former Rutgers player landing on a grenade for Schiano.

The Bucs were moved back to their own one-yard line due to safety Dashon Goldson hitting a defenseless peanut vendor. The Bucs sent in quarterback Dan Orlovsky to attempt to run out the clock. Orlovsky had played most of the game after rookie quarterback Mike Glennon was slightly electrocuted by a malfunctioning helmet communicator. The entire Bucs communication system was reduced to ashes, meaning offensive coordinator Mike Sullivan was unable to call plays…….not that anyone really noticed.

Orlovsky in his attempt to run out the clock, accidentally ran into the goal post and fumbled. The ball was recovered by the Bye Week. The Bye Week chose to eschew the extra point attempt. Schiano, ever the stickler for the rules, challenged the play. He claimed when Orlovsky ran into the goalpost he was out of the field of play and therefore Bye should have only earned two points for a safety.

After review, the officials confirmed a touchdown for Bye. When Fox officiating guru Mike Pereira was asked for his opinion on the call he said, “It is obvious that by that point in the game the officials just wanted to go home.” Leading the offense was running back Doug Martin who carried 30 times for 31 yards.

Leading the defense was end Gerald McCoy, who registered a sack, a tackle for loss, a request to be traded and five “Oh, my God, you’ve got to friggin’ kidding me’s!”

Denis Crawford, October 2013