The Alternative 2013 Awards
Bucko is about to embark on his extensive tour of Europe and the sub-continent but would like to leave all you lucky people here at the Palace Hotel Ballroom tonight with his own set of awards for the 2013 season.
THE RUDY CARPENTER AWARD FOR LOOKING GOOD IN A CAP ON THE SIDELINE
Named after the former Buccaneer QB who appeared for just one play in three seasons and even then simply kept his cap on backwards rather than wear a helmet. Dan Orlovsky was in prime position to win this until he made the final handoff of the season in New Orleans.
So it goes to G Patrick Omameh who was signed in Week 4 and was inactive for every game until he finally dressed for the season finale. During which he spent every play on the sideline.
WARNING OF THE YEAR
The Cialis advert on Fox that warned anyone having an erection that lasted more than four hours to go and see a doctor. Bucko's thought was to see Clare Grogan, Kim Wilde, the girl from "New Girl" and then the Guiness Book of Records in that order.
THE YAMON FIGURS WRONG NAME AWARD
Bill Cowher being called Coach Cowher on CBS. He hasn't coached since the Nixon Presidency. You don't still call Harold Shipman, Doctor Shipman, so please stop with the Coach Cowher title.
THE NICK HALLING WORST PRESENTER AWARD
A really hard-fought contest between the CBS team of Spero Dedes & Steve Buerelein who took on the Fox crew of Dick Stockton and Ronde Barber in an avalanche of wrong names, incorrect statements, bad analysis and just general embarrassment. Honorable mention to Cecil Martin at Sky Sports who causes the production team to have heart attacks every time he tries to read an e-mail live on air.
REALLY BAD TASTE MESSAGE BOARD POST OF THE YEAR
Came from the season finale against New Orleans when there were rumours flying around of Greg Schiano being interested in the job at Penn State. "That is like going from Men against Boys to Men with Boys" came a comment from an anonymous poster.
THE CHRIS HOVAN AWARD FOR NON-PASS RUSHING
Named after the former Buccaneer defensive tackle who instead of being measured by sacks or quarterback pressures, was ranked by how many times he actually crossed the line of scrimmage. Matching him in the single-figure tally in 2013 was Daniel Te'o-Nesheim who had as many apostophes and hyphens as sacks in 2013.
THE GREG SCHIANO FOR THE WORST PLAY CALL OF THE YEAR
So many possibilities from the kick return reverse to crashing the kneel down play. But the fake fieldgoal at the end of the first half in New Orleans truly had to be seen to be believed. It was described as the Laura Okmin play as it was really ugly and it had no chance of scoring.
THE CARLSBERG AWARD FOR CHOKING IN THE CLUTCH
This award has been permanently retired and will be send to a Mr T Romo, c/o Dallas Cowboys.
WHY THE PRO BOWL IS A WASTE OF TIME AWARD
Reason No.37 is Lavonte David not even being regarded as one of the top six linebackers in the NFL by the various voters, and yet being named All-Pro. To quote Martin Fennelly at The Tampa Tribune, the only way you could liven up the Pro Bowl would be if the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor again at half-time.