Theories Abound, But This Was Just A Turkey Martin Fennelly, The Tampa Tribune, published 24 November 2006 On a sunny Thanksgiving morning, James Felder, 50, Dallas resident and conspiracy theorist, stood near the world's most famous grassy knoll, not far from the building formally known as the Texas School Book Depository, and laid it on you. It was the day after Nov. 22. "Oswald never did any shooting," Felder said. Felder's bio, at the bottom of the homemade conspiracy-theories bulletin board he'd planted near the knoll, claims "James Felder has probably spent more time in Dealey Plaza than any other human being." We believe him. Now, about JFK … "I think it was the Federal Reserve," Felder said, meaning the Federal Reserve Bank. Right. James also mentioned rogue elements of the CIA and reputed mob hitman Charles Harrelson, "Woody Harrelson's father." Sounds good. Now, to the other conspiracy. What about Jon Gruden to coach the Cowboys? "I believe it," James Felder said. Wacko. From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official, the Bucs are 3-8. Jon Fitzgerald Gruden's team returned to the business of a lost season, 38-10 against the Cowboys. Not even Zapruder would have filmed this one. So much for the gravy train. And the Redskins win. In their Thanksgiving debut, the Bucs delivered a turkey with all the '76 Bucs trimmings, including that pass from Bruce Gradkowski, the grassy quarterback, bonking off Michael Pittman's hands, then his helmet, before being intercepted. Neil O'Donoghue, we hardly knew ye. Yes, injuries have mounted and mattered. Yes, three Bucs games in 11 days is sheer NFL madness. Never mind. This was embarrassing. Even Bill Parcells was reduced to being entirely happy with his team. "I have to be pleased with that," Tuna said. Meanwhile … "I have no idea where we are right now," Ronde Barber said. And to think it started well. Gradkowski marched the Bucs on the opening drive, completing the longest pass of his career before Mike Alstott barreled into the glory zone for old time's sake. Then the Cowboys trounced away. Their quarterback from nowhere, Lee Harvey Romo, was a lot better than the Bucs' quarterback from nowhere, throwing five touchdown passes. "Yeah, I know," said Parcells, regaining form, "but I could have thrown the first two." Zing! Terrell Owens didn't get in on the action until Romo's fifth TD. To celebrate, T.O. placed the ball in a Salvation Army kettle on the sideline. Also out of charity, Romo took a knee three times near the end of the game. Gradkowski then took one to finish it. Earlier, he underthrew Joey Galloway some more, once for a pick, another time to cost the Bucs a touchdown. "He's moving a little bit more faster on the Astroturf," Gradkowski said of Galloway. Sigh. By the way, Bucs lose 38-10 when Cadillac carries the ball 17 times. At this point in this season, any team worth anything is going to pound the Bucs. And there's not much they can do about it. The defense, once the proudest unit in football, has just about never looked sadder. "Guy was Aikman today," Gruden said of Romo. He turned to Gradkowski: 29.2 rating. "At times I think he did some good things." "A couple of plays here or there," Gradkowski said. Can we get a little Second Quarterback Theory going here? In Dealey Plaza, James Felder stood six floors below the sixth floor and said he thought Parcells will leave after the season, paving the way for Gruden. Then he returned to surer ground - those faked JFK autopsy photos. "Oswald didn't do it." Neither did the Bucs. Already this season needs to be put out of its misery. Where's the Federal Reserve when you need it?